Outside 😲

I actually went outside and socialised today lol. I went to my daughters for a bbq with friends and my lot. Thats a big step for me. I even had a few gins a got some sun on my face 😀 i stayed 4 hours. Then left them to it. I wasnt up to more but its a start 

Fucks sake

This world really fucking boggles me it does! Some people no matter what they do who they hurt they still come up smelling better than roses and sprinkled in fucking diamond glitter. Turns me sick makes my blood fizz. I'm so fucking angry. 

My Brain Condition

Musings

Why do i worry about upsetting people by talking about him. As soon as i see them look like their starting to get upset i change the subject when all i want to do is talk about him. Even through my tears i still want and need to talk but i can't bare the thought of causing upset to anyone. I feel so lonely. I am lonely. I've never felt as alone as i do now

Down again 😣

I've hit rock bottom again this last week. Apparently Jay came through to 2 of his friends in a phsycic reading but the message that was asked to be passed on to me didn't sound like him at all not one bit. It really done my head in ruined all my hard work of the last few weeks but i guess this is life for me now up and down like a yo-yo the joys of having a son with 2 bloody personalities. But do i really believe in all that shit. Psychics. Live after death. I want to believe i really do. I need to believe something. My granddaughter talks to him all the time she kind of freaks her mam out. I've read so much stuff about the so called other side but its all conflicting and not much makes sense. All i know is he's definitely not in his grave theres just his ashes. because i feel nothing when I'm up there just a sense of calm sometimes but very rare can i talk to him like i do at home thats why his photo is on my bedside table and i have his memory unit. All i have up the grave is the incessant need to make it nice and clean when I'm there and make sure no grass overgrows at the front. I rip it out and say there you are boy you've had your haircut it's strange but i have to do it.