Down again 😣

I've hit rock bottom again this last week. Apparently Jay came through to 2 of his friends in a phsycic reading but the message that was asked to be passed on to me didn't sound like him at all not one bit. It really done my head in ruined all my hard work of the last few weeks but i guess this is life for me now up and down like a yo-yo the joys of having a son with 2 bloody personalities. But do i really believe in all that shit. Psychics. Live after death. I want to believe i really do. I need to believe something. My granddaughter talks to him all the time she kind of freaks her mam out. I've read so much stuff about the so called other side but its all conflicting and not much makes sense. All i know is he's definitely not in his grave theres just his ashes. because i feel nothing when I'm up there just a sense of calm sometimes but very rare can i talk to him like i do at home thats why his photo is on my bedside table and i have his memory unit. All i have up the grave is the incessant need to make it nice and clean when I'm there and make sure no grass overgrows at the front. I rip it out and say there you are boy you've had your haircut it's strange but i have to do it.