Happy Anniversary 🤪🙄😂

17 years ago today I married my best friend I thought he was my soul mate he told me enough times we were. After 4 years together and 7 kids between us 1 together. I thought my life was complete. Living in a bubble miles from our familes. Sadly after 11 months it all went tits up. He wasn't my soul mate he sucked the soul right out of me and I still haven't found myself again. We were very close friends and he reeled me in at a vulnerable time. 16 yrs on my own and still married to him When's he's been engaged to someone else for years. I tried to divorce him twice 16 yrs ago so just left it up to him as I never intended to have a relationship again. My head belongs to me as fucked up as it is its mine and there's no room in it for anyone else apart from my children 

New grandson Noah-Jay

At 2.55pm on 25.06.2020 My Gorgeous 3rd grandchild Noah-Jay was born 2 weeks early weighing 5lb6 😊 he is absolutely tiny and just perfect ❤️❤️ Jay you would be so proud of your brother 💕💕💕

grief changes you

Grief changes you. It opens your eyes to everything around you. You actually see people a lot more clearly. Yes you become less patient more aggressive but that's only because of the idiocy that comes out of others mouths on times or because of selfish actions the lack of empathy and understanding people show. Your whole world as you knew it has been rewritten so your less inclined to filter your thoughts and feelings anymore. Your carrying a pain a wound that will never heal one that you have to adjust, adapt to so yes your tolerance for bullshit will evaporate. You have to pick and choose what's important and what's too soul sucking in life as part of your souls destroyed and you have yo preserve what's left of it ❤️

2 years 💔

2 years ago Today I felt the very last breath you took upon my cheek. How I wish I could of bottled that to feel it again. My world crumbled that day a piece of me gone forever. Only to be temporarily soothed with memories and pictures. I want to hear you come through the door shouting 'Where's my gorgeous girl or shouting Mam when I'm just standing behind you. 

I want to bleach your laces and wash your trainers so bad. Squeeze your muscles after you've been to the gym. Laugh at you wiping my units down or strutting around the house in just a towel. I miss you so much that wicked smile and wink that just melted me. I long for the day where I'll see you again. Until then wander free and peaceful my beautiful handsome boy. Love you forever mammy 💙💕❤️

you wasn't suppose to leave

You wasn't suppose to ever leave me. Why didn't you wake up? I begged and begged you to but you couldn't of heard my pleas! there's no way did because you would of fought your way back to me if you could. You wasn't suppose to leave! I need you to come back home. I know in my head that can never be, but my heart won't let you go. I miss you more than I can deal with. I'm ripped apart anew each day but I have to go on and be strong for you. Love you forever and always my handsome boy ❤️💙

2yrs tomorrow my world started to end 😭

V. E day tomorrow everyone will be celebrating and rightly so!

 I'll be taking a nice long stroll up the cemetery to sit with my boy like I sat by his hospital bedside 2 years ago wishing/begging him to wake up. This lasted for 8 excruciating days because at the time we didnt know he had been left for over 6hrs before help was called for (you don't even want to know the antics inbetween😢) Anyway I'll sit at his graveside because I haven't been able too for a while and talk to him and tell him all that's going on in this crazy world then I'll come home and put all my broken pieces back together again. I know life goes on bla de bla but please be patient from tomorrow until June sometime. As my heart totally breaks again my mind relives it all. Nothing can change that I've come to accept it. I just need everyone else to understand it. I'm broken beyond repair I'm a mother trying to live without her child! I'm just trying to do the best I can do ❤️