Forever and always 💔

https://youtu.be/1S5xRPZBMy0

I know my heart is broken beyond repair but i honestly believe im broken deep down in my soul. Can your soul be broken? What even is a soul? I'm not a religious person i believe somethings out there but what. I'm one of those that always asks yes but who made him and who made that etc etc. To many believe in different things and all it brings is hate and violence and if there is a god then hes one cruel cunt!! I'm sorry but he is. I was listening to jays father praying to him at the funeral and the grave as hes a a big believer and it broke me and if there is one i dont like him even more because i didn't do anything to deserve this pain. What a truely nasty man that should be thoroughly ashamed of himself  if he exists. I'm broken beyond repair deep down to my soul and can't see how i can live the rest of my life like this.

Sunny days

Days like today are hard he lived for the sun he'd have his 'tunes' as he called them blasting sing and dancing around getting ready to go out. He loved it a proper sun worshipper always had a tan 😍

So True

Outside😲

I actually left the house today! Went on the bus to town. Only managed 3 shops though and had to come home. Started to do my head in. but did go back out and up to see lish and kids for 5. Got my first fitbit badge too 😁😂 go me haha. Maybe one day i will be normal again and start socialising. I hope so i hate feeling like a this

Shower antics 😂

I'm really not safe in the shower! Every bloody time i nearly fall out. Ffs come on who does the same thing every single fucking time!! I'm not normal 🤔 i just seem to go into my own little world and lose balance and tip sideways and the shower curtain is shit all use for stopping me so good job the sinks there to grab before i do any damage haha.

Leaky eyes 😢

It's one of them days today he's on my mind constantly and the tears just keep flowing. When i think they have stopped they just start again!  that's why i call it leaky eyes because they just constantly leak 😐 this overwhelming sadness is unbearable how can i go through live like this so broken and hurt? Some days it's almost bearable i can control the tears atleast. It just creeps up on me almost like a panic attack but slower more drawn out.  And then I'm exhausted with the overwhelming sadness but yet i want to pull at my hair and scream in frustration because i know this is life now he's never coming home to me and i miss him so  much

Fat twats 😀

Just weighed and logged back on my fat twats page I've lost 2lbs this week 😀 I'm not ready for the drama of facebook but i do really miss all the lovely friends I've got in the wax world. So maybe going on twats will be ok because its a tiny group

Head full of frustration 😣

I really don't want to be angry not at him please no not at him but why wasn't he home with me with his brothers! Thats where he should of been. He had only been out of prison for a few days. Recalled on false allegations by his sick twisted ex fiancee. but had to finish his sentence anyway. He finally had the help he'd been asking for for years to come of subs so why stay out was it because i wasn't well and he hated seeing me ill or did he just want to do what he does. With scum that didn't give a fuck about him. I have so many questions and no way of ever getting answers its so frustrating. Bottom line i took my eye off the ball and it drop!!!

So True!

Hook Line Sinker!!

He really reeled me in!! Well he did love to fish 😂
Looking back i was 100%  vunerable and off the rails i had to move just after my abusive husband died because of his fucked up family. I was messed up with grief on my own at 21 with 3 children and constantly taking speed. I didn't know my arse from my elbow and my best friend was showering me with attention writing me songs looking at me like nobody has ever looked at me before it wrecked me i was the fucking matron of honour at his wedding his wife was my bestest friend in the world i loved her like a sister.  I couldn't cope with these feelings i tried distancing myself but they both kept seeking me out both confiding in me. She was treating him so bad she wasn't well mentally. ( i understand now why)  i started taking more speed to cope but it just made me give in more to his advances the spark between us was amazing we couldnt keep away from each other. He said we were soulmates and i believed him. I believed everything he ever said to me and moved many miles away isolated myself away from everyone then he left me all alone but i think i grew stronger for it. I remember We argued one morning and i was about to get out of bed. He was laying down i was sat upright and down from him. I can't remember what he said but it was enough for me to flip him in the face with the back of my hand and storm out of the room. He left after that and wouldn't return my calls. Obviously i was devasted i phoned his mother and she started screaming abuse at me saying he was in hospital because of me? I phoned my mother hysterical her and my dad came to get me and the kids and my dad wouldn't look at me he was disgusted with me after everything myself and my family had been through with my previous 2 relationships they thought i had actually punched him with enough force to break his cheek bone!!! I was devasted 1. They could even think that! And 2. HE could TELL people that. He knew a lot more than anyone else things i had been through i would never hit him like that. I told my parents about the boot falling on his face when we were away and they were mortified but I couldn't eat i couldn't sleep i went to the Drs hysterical and told her everything and she called the nurse in and had me to repeat everything and they both said it was impossible even if i had hit him at full impact the pillow would of softened it. So it must be an old injury do i remember an accident or anything so i told them about the boot falling down and hitting him in the side of the face and they saide it would of already been broken then i just aggravated it 😡 He put me through hell after all I've been through just for some sympathy that was when my eyes started opening to who he really was. I came down to port talbot for a night out with my cousin And he was txting me to go back to his mothers because they were at the caravan. So i jumped in a taxi. As soon as the taxi pulled up he was pulling me out he couldnt keep his hands off me. Telling me he missed me he was all over me until he heard the door openi g and he paniked and hid me in the bathroom! Because his stepfather had come home. Come on I'm his fucking wife what was he going to say!
He used me quite a few times for sex when we first split up giving me the impression it wasn't really over. Then totally blank me for months. But i just learned to bite my tongue for ewans sake. He insisted conah called him dad then refused to see him and stopped me from seeing the boys that broke my heart. Me and jay had to sit conah down and explain to conah. I'm so proud at how my kids stick together. And they still see the boys thankfully so i get to know how they are doing at least.

I Have Been Beaten, forced to have sex , hd a gun point at my head, a knife held to me. Locked up, Slowly Tortured over days, etc and i rather all them rather than  Mental and Emotional abuse. And obviously i went through this in my last Marriage and yes that is what it is called because the councillor that he and my mother forced me to see pointed it out to me and thats why i stopped going but of i couldn't tell him what she was saying about him could i. So this is why I'm still on my own 15 yrs later because i don't trust anyone not to hurt me and i can't deal with the head work so i rather just stay away.

Head is full of crap today

I think il have loads of shit to empty later there's loads floating around lastnight and today. Probably because of the time of year ( anniversary coming up) been married for about 16 yrs but seperated for 15 lol i tried to divorce him twice then give up. Just after jays funer he asked if i minded him doing it and then 4 weeks ago said he was going to so to expect a letter but nothing yet. Well everything is amicable between us but he is the reason i will never love again he destroyed that part of me. I'll get into that later

Touched

I bought a solar light up candle lantern for Jays grave but when i was up ther the other day i couldn't get it to light up. So i emailed the company to ask them and this morning i recieved a new one. Direct Globel Trading i thank you for being so considerate and sending within 48hrs aswell with no questions ask.

Heart pain really does exist 😔

Wow the pain excruciating tonight
 I was expecting it though with the cleaning frenzy i went on yesterday. (It's what i do when my heads a mess.) I've felt it building all day my chest getting tighter, I've been distracting myself with doing things blasting music taking carter over the shop and to pick kaydee up from the school bus. Potching around the house etc but I've had to fight the tears all day. I couldn't bare it any more and had to say goodnight to the boys and come shut myself in my room. Its what i do. Best they don't see. Obviously i breakdown in front of them occasionally but they don't need to see me in pain like this. After all I'm their mother I'm suppose to be strong for them but i can't be not when I've lost a part of me. But i am trying. Honestly i am. It just still hurts so much and i miss him so much.

🎶🎵🎶🎵

Nails!

I've just sorted my cuticles out for the 2nd time in 2wks! Wtaf is happening to me im turning into a girl 😲😂 enough girlyness time to blastsome pink i can feel the tears

New dress!!!

Treated myself to a new dress. Thought it might make me feel pretty and make me leave the house. So i came today. I openened it and thought wtf!! It was vacum sealed. Never had clothes come like that before. After forever trying to open it i took it out think ok i know I'm big but this is like a fucking tent and nothing like the lovely dress in the picture. So i tried it on and i swear i could of fit 2 of me in there 😂😂 size 18/20 my arse more like 18+20 🤔 i may actually put it back on and tack a picture and upload it just for the shit of it because it did make me laugh

Not a bad day 😀

I've been busy today putting decals on my kitchen tiles and sorting and scrubbing the cupboard. Very therapeutic  . Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight because I'm shattered now. But it feels good to have accomplished something myself even if it took all day😀

Fitbit time 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️

My new charger has come so i dug my fitbit out tonight and set it all up. It's on my wrist ready for the morning 😂 lets try and shift some fat and get some fresh air in these lungs even if it's just little walks around the block and up and down the street it's a start. And i want to try and tackle that weed bush thing thats grown out of nowhere in the garden too. Once I've finally gone to sleep that is.

Is it healthy always being alone?

Relationship wise i went straight from the frying pan into the fire when i was younger. I've had 3 loves and they all hurt me. I'm convinced there is something wrong with me and i will always end up hurt so i have to stay on my own. I've been on my own for more or less 14 yrs now and it get real lonely at times. But i have my family and I'm grateful for them. Sadly i don't really have friends. I've lost touch with the one i made when i lived in away and i haven't seen hardly anyone since the funeral over a year ago anyway. So it's just me and charlie lol no wonder he thinks he's human!

Nana time 🤗

My lil madam has stayed over for 2 nights , she had inset day at school yesterday. So it's been nice. She keeps me busy. Her and her brother crack me up. He decide to paint himself and his bedroom carpet with his mothers new bright red 24hr stain lipstick 😂😂. 
My sister and nephew called to see me yesterday aswell. He is so funny i need to spend more time with him and take his cousins to play with him regular.
I just got back from taking madam to the bus stop for school, stopped and had a 5 min chat with someone even talked about jay! so I'm making progress. I usually put my hood up and keep my head down 😀 fingers crossed i keep it up

More People should Undersand About Losing A Child

Losing a child is the loneliest, most desolate journey a person can take and the only people who can come close to appreciating it are those who share the experience.

1. Remember our children.

The loss of children is a pain all bereaved parents share, and it is a degree of suffering that is impossible to grasp without experiencing it first hand. Often, when we know someone else is experiencing grief, our discomfort keeps us from approaching it head on. But we want the world to remember our child or children, no matter how young or old our child was.

If you see or hear something that reminds you of my child, tell me. If you are reminded at christmas or on his birthday that I am missing my son, please tell me you remember him. And when I speak his name or relive memories relive them with me, don't shrink away. If you never met my son, don't be afraid to ask about him. One of my greatest joys is talking about Brandon.

2. Accept that you can't make us better or fix me.

An out-of-order death such as child loss breaks a person (especially a parent) in a way that is not fixable or solvable — ever! We will learn to pick up the pieces and move forward, but our lives will never be the same.

Every grieving parent must find a way to continue to live with loss, and it's a solitary journey. We appreciate your support and hope you can be patient with us as we find our way.

Please: don't tell us it's time to get back to life, that's it's been long enough, or that time heals all wounds. We welcome your support and love, and we know sometimes it hard to watch, but our sense of brokenness isn't going to go away. It is something to observe, recognize, accept.

3. Know that there are at least two days a year we need a time out.

We still count birthdays and fantasize what our child would be like if he/she were still living. Birthdays are especially hard for us. Our hearts ache to celebrate our child's arrival into this world, but we are left becoming intensely aware of the hole in our hearts instead. Some parents create rituals or have parties while others prefer solitude. Either way, we are likely going to need time to process the marking of another year without our child.

Then there's the anniversary of the date our child became an angel. This is a remarkable process similar to a parent of a newborn, first counting the days, then months then the one year anniversary, marking the time on the other side of that crevasse in our lives.

No matter how many years go by, the anniversary date of when our child died brings back deeply emotional memories and painful feelings (particularly if there is trauma associated with the child's death). The days leading up to that day can feel like impending doom or like it's hard to breathe. We may or may not share with you what's happening.

This is where the process of remembrance will help. If you have heard me speak of my child or supported me in remembering him/her, you will be able to put the pieces together and know when these tough days are approaching.

4. Realize that we struggle every day with happiness.

It's an ongoing battle to balance the pain and guilt of outliving your child with the desire to live in a way that honors them and their time on this earth.

As bereaved parents, we are constantly balancing holding grief in one hand and a happy life after loss in the other. You might observe this when you are with us at a wedding, graduation or other milestone celebration. Don't walk away, witness it with us and be part of our process.

5. Accept the fact that our loss might make you uncomfortable.

Our loss is unnatural, out-of-order; it challenges your sense of safety. You may not know what to say or do, and you're afraid you might make us lose it. We've learned all of this as part of what we're learning about grief.

We will never forget our child. And in fact, our loss is always right under the surface of other emotions, even happiness. We would rather lose it because you spoke his/her name and remembered our child, than try and Shield ourselves from the pain and live in denial.

Grief is the pendulum swing of love. The stronger and deeper the love the more grief will be created on the other side. Consider it a sacred opportunity to stand shoulder to shoulder with someone who have endured one of life's most frightening events. Rise up with us.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/wc/paula-stephens

T.A. house of horrors

I wish this one would fuck off it keeps playing oover and over day after day i don't know why. Is it guilt because its the worst for the kids or because it was the start of the end maybe.  I'm not sure if i should say everything that happenend get it off my chest and maybe then they will stop. But seeing my kids cuddled in the bedroom scared and going to the toilet in the corner popping up randomly in my head is breaking my already shattered heart all over again every fucking day!!

I miss him every minute of every day 😢

Good news 😀

My youngest just passed his college course. My daughter passed hers last week aswell. I am so proud of them both after the shit year or so their still achieving their goals 🤗 Amazing 💕

My head at present

Most days i go through life in a daze im not living just existing. Carrying all this pain wears me down i used to be able to block it but now i have the excruciating pain and hole in my heart its impossible and the memories their like a film reel in my head that pop up at random times. Reading helps it imurses me into a different world. People i just avoid them completely its for the best for now as one i don't know when the tears will flow i can't control them and two I'm scared of who I'll bump into and how i will react! I've  changed im not so laid back anymore i dont have any filter ( definitely my mothers daughter haha) losing my handsome boy opened my eyes to a lot. I should of been stronger i will be stronger . I just need to find a way to fix myself and learn to live withought him and with all the memories i supressed because obviously Walls don't fucking work they just make you weak.

Scum

How can it be illegal to assist someone that is terminally ill but Not to stand around taking photos and not get help for someone dying!! The justice system it ridiculous   refusing to call an ambulance for hours should be a crime!!???

Tiffany Diamond was told in the morning to phone ambulance by her father because he was shallow breathing but she refused. Instead she went to court and left him! She later returned with leon weaver they dragged him off the sofa dropped him and then took photos! Then decided to phone jays father rather than an ambulance!! SHE Took his trainers because apparently she paid for them. Who takes from a dying man!
8 days we had to watch his body deteriorate because we didn't know how long he had been left. It was only on the 8th day they realised. They were discussing amputateing his hand and feet because they went black  he didn't have a dignified death all because of them  The hospital told us they wouldnt of put us through all that if they knew on day one.
We went through hell and Maybe he would still be here if only they had an iota of morals 
And she had the cheek to tell me im not the only one thats lost him when i wouldnt let her go to the hospital to say goodbye!! 

Flashback

This one started whilst looking at a photo of my grampa. Strange! So theses are my thoughts when my head cleared and i calmed down abit.
Loving me comes at a price! If your family you get hurt if your not i get hurt its simple thats why i stay on my own. And i understand now why my brother stays away from me. I hurt him to much . He lost most of his teeth because of me, that morning our mother brought him to my house with his mouth smashed in will haunt me forever 😢 i would of done anything to of taken his place it should of been me. I am so Sorry ❤ he was my idol growing up i always looked up to him always felt i needed his approval i also had an impulse to protect him even though he's nearly 4 yrs older than me. I could never bsre the thought of harm coming to him i still can't. I miss him so much. I know he loves me in his own way but it still hurts that i caused this wedge between us that i can't fix because i don't even know why it happened. Will i ever know do i dare hunt out answers is that why I'm getting the flashbacks. Who do i ask?

My Precious Boy 💙

It started on the 8th but 😢

 On 16th May 2018 My Beautiful Boy Jay Daniel Clement Aged just 26 years old died of hypoxic brain injury, and out of hospital cardiac arrest. After 8 excruciating days on life support. All because of 2 sick individuals 😢 and i have to carry on with life knowing this.

A little about me

As well as grieving and the flashbacks I've started having daily over the last 6 weeks or so. i have to deal with my anxiety and these lifelong conditions. i have a Vp Shunt inserted in my Brain that helps my Idiopathic intracranial hypertension. But i also have Fibromyalgia, Endometriosis and Diverticilousis. But I'm determind to overcome it all and get strong again

I've started this new blog to see if it will help me. My old one was for my weight challenge when i found out about my brain disease but i didn't really update it. This one is mainly for me for my thoughts and feeling to unload them somewhere. They are cluttering my mind my walls have crumbled after 20 odd years of keeping them up. I suppose losing a child does that 😢 So if you don't want to read about pain and sadness please leave this isn't the place for you.